Mother Says She’s Exhausted After Six Years of Her Daughter’s Transgender Identity

An American mother says years of trying to balance family boundaries with her transgender child’s identity have left her emotionally drained as her child enters adulthood.

An American mother says she has spent the past six years trying to balance her relationship with her transgender child while maintaining the values and boundaries of her conservative Catholic family.

Writing to advice columnist Abigail Shrier, the mother, identified as Angela, described her daughter as intelligent, ambitious and independent. Now 18, her daughter has graduated from high school and decided to take a gap year while continuing to live at home.

According to Angela, her daughter has taken responsibility for her future. She holds two jobs, performs with a band and is beginning an internship related to teaching music.

Despite those achievements, disagreements over gender identity remain a source of tension within the family.

“Stop tiptoeing around her,” Abigail Shrier advises Angela. (Photo by Imagno/Getty Images)

Angela said her daughter uses a different name and pronouns outside the home, including at work, during musical performances and at the music school where she previously took lessons. At home, however, Angela said the family continues to use her daughter’s given name and refer to her as their daughter.

For years, Angela and her husband attempted to establish boundaries around the use of their daughter’s chosen name. They allowed her to use it with friends but opposed its use in interactions with adults.

Now that their daughter has reached adulthood, Angela says she is questioning whether those boundaries should remain in place.

The family also pays for her daughter’s therapy. Angela said they chose the therapist themselves because they wanted their daughter to have professional support from someone they trusted.

The conflict extends beyond gender identity.

Angela described her family as deeply conservative and Catholic, saying she, her husband and son regularly attend Mass. Her daughter, meanwhile, holds significantly more progressive political views, participates in protests and recently joined an anti-war organization.

Their political and social differences have occasionally spilled into everyday conversations.

Angela recalled an exchange during a discussion about a cyclospora outbreak. When she complained about having to wash lettuce, her daughter responded, “Well, you voted for this.”

Angela said she tried to defuse the exchange with humor, replying, “I voted for diarrhea?”

But she acknowledged that the larger conflict is more complicated. In her view, her daughter can point to the family’s disagreement over her transgender identity whenever the family asks her to respect their own beliefs.

After years of trying to navigate the situation carefully, Angela said she has become exhausted.

Her central question to Shrier was whether she should continue trying to establish boundaries or simply allow her daughter to make her own decisions and experience whatever consequences follow.

Shrier’s response was direct.

“Stop tiptoeing around her,” Shrier advised Angela.

The advice centers on the idea that parents can continue loving and supporting an adult child without attempting to manage every decision the child makes.

Angela’s situation also highlights a broader challenge faced by families dealing with major differences over gender identity, religion, politics and personal values.

At 18, her daughter is legally an adult and is beginning to establish an independent life through employment, music and education. At the same time, Angela continues to view her as a young person who may still need parental guidance and support.

The dilemma, therefore, is no longer simply about a name or pronouns. It is about how parents maintain a relationship with an adult child when their fundamental beliefs and expectations no longer align.

For Angela, the question is whether stepping back from some of those conflicts could ultimately allow both sides to maintain a healthier relationship while her daughter assumes greater responsibility for her own life.

Angela